Disclaimer

Since I was around 10 years old, I had this strong, at times overwhelming feeling, that I was meant to help others.  Little did I know, that my “formal” training for this calling would go beyond my college education and professional training.  I know the biggest part of my learning comes from helping my clients as a social service case manager and professional social worker and then from my personal experiences.  I made it my mission “to serve from both sides of the desk,” meaning I took the experiences from both needing help and giving help to inform my practice of helping others.  Rather sadly, most of my needing help (which is something I have not been good about—asking for help) resulted in being treated poorly by many doctors and some therapists, to the point of them, at times, fanning the flames of my suicidality—so, yeah, not the results I was hoping for.  This poor treatment by service providers was then witnessed by me in my profession, where some of my colleagues treated our clients as less than and unworthy of respect.  Some of my colleagues seemed to have somehow missed out on the information given in the formal education they received and they completely misunderstood the clients and their issues.  I witnessed some of my colleagues use their personal values, judgments, lenses, biases, unresolved personal and/or mental health issues to dictate how they moved through our profession and how they interacted with and “served” our clients—sometimes to the detriment of the clients.  Seeing the minimally rude to maximally unconscionable behavior of some of my colleagues further pushed me to act with compassion and understanding in my sacred role as public servant, and to use the parlance of the profession, “to meet the clients where they were at.”

My desire here, on this site and in my blog, is merely to provide you with information gleaned from my personal and professional experience.  I know from my own experience that learning I was not the only one to think or feel a certain may was such a relief; I no longer felt alone, isolated, or like such a freak.  Today we have the internet and can easily, and privately, if necessary, find information, individuals, and groups who have journeys, trials, tribulations, and triumphs similar to our own.  My journey with the reoccurrence of my depression and the full-blown onset of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue started in 1998, before the widespread use of the internet; I had to go to the library and get books to try and discover what was wrong with me.  Coupled with that doctors generally “didn’t believe in” fibromyalgia and how I was treated by said doctors, well, those were the darkest days of my suicidality.  I felt so alone, lost, confused and the learned men (yes, all the doctors I saw were men) whom I turned to for their experience, authority and knowledge, well, they were of no help.  I would hope that no one else would ever have to feel so disempowered, belittled, alone, misunderstood or discarded, especially by someone in a position of power or authority who is meant to “help.”  I would not wish that on anyone.

Regarding my thoughts on depression, anxiety, sensory issues, fibromyalgia/chronic fatigue and complex PTSD, or other mental health issues or addiction issues, I can only speak to my own experiences and what I learned from observing my clients or what they so graciously shared with me.  Everyone will have a different path and what might have worked for me, or a client, may not work for you.  We have to be mindful that it is not just the condition(s) we have, but so many other things factor in to make our experiences what they are:  our past experience, our current mindset, our personality characteristics, other physical and mental health issues we may have, our resources and finances, our family and friends and their opinion about what is happening to us, our time and place in history, our culture, our community, our genetics, and the list goes on.  People are so complex, I think of them not just as multi-layered, but faceted as well; like an intricately cut gemstone and 7-layed dip at the same time, and just as weird and messy!

And just to be clear, I am not a clinician or any type of licensed mental health professional.  I have an Associates of Arts in Humanities/Social Science, a Bachelor of Arts in Behavioral Science/Psychology and a Master of Science in Criminal Justice (and yes, there is definitely a story that goes with my MS not being a MSW-Master of Social Work!).  Additionally, I was certified as a convalescent and acute care nursing assistant. I held EMT-1 certification for 10 years. I earned a high school social studies teaching credential. I am a massage practitioner (this woman does not like to be bored!).  I taught first aid, CPR, and outdoor survival.  I taught public speaking and panel discussion preparation for Triangle Speakers. I was a field instructor for MSW Interns and a mentor, supervisor and trainer for AmeriCorps home visitors (social service case managers) for over 8 years and learning about primary trauma, secondary trauma, trauma-informed care, and self-care were always part of my curriculum.  This website and blog are a collection of my personal experiences and my opinions filtered though the lenses of my time on this earth, informed by my formal education, training and job experience, and supplemented by researched-based information.  If something is my opinion, you will know it.  If something is based on my experiences, you will know it.  If something is based on research, you will know it.  I am merely giving you a glimpse of things that have worked for me, or not worked.

Follow the recommendations for your therapist and physician, but I beseech you to do your own research as well with legitimate sources and seek out as much information so that you can make fully informed decisions about your mental and physical health and your life. Knowledge is power!!**

Bottom line—for me it has been all about mindset.  I have chosen to think differently about things.  I had a really good pity party, and then I decided to leave that party (cake was getting stale anyway).  I have chosen to step away from the darkness and to look toward the light.  This is not to say I am a saccharine, rose-colored glasses-wearing Pollyanna who skips through the world spewing positive platitudes, nothing could be further from the fucking truth. I have my demons, however, I no longer choose to sit and have tea with my demons and allow them to rule the conversations in my head—I am in control here, not them! And I have chosen to not give up, despite every set back I have faced (and trust me, there have been many); I am one tough, resilient person and you can be too.  And when The Universe seemed to continually give me ironic and absurd situations, well, back at you Universe, I have word-smithed and crafted what was thrown at me into the stories you see here.  And this is truly how I see the world, ironic and absurd, and I am laughing.  Because the alternative means I probably would not even be here.

**While working for child protective services, the philosophy generally was not “knowledge was power,” but knowledge withheld could be a means to wield power over others, workers and clients alike. Being the rebel I was, I provided my clients with as much information as I could and encouraged them to seek their own information and to make informed decisions. I advocated for my clients and tried to embolden them and teach them to advocate for themselves because I knew knowledge was power and power was ofttimes something my clients did not have. When I transferred to the public health homeless services division, one of my finest supervisors ever, Melissa S., often said, with great emphasis, “Knowledge is Power!” She meant for us as social workers, that we should have knowledge given to us by our agency and by whatever other means possible, and that the clients should also be given information and supported in their own advocacy to seek knowledge and power. I about fell out of my chair the first time I heard Melissa say “Knowledge is Power,” and I felt sure if those words were uttered aloud, then the next thing that would happen was that the gestapo (aka, the management) would come in and haul us away. Luckily that did not happen and it was a happy and empowering time, for me as a worker, and for our clients, who benefitted from this philosophy.